A Personal Epiphany, Made in the Kitchen

I recently wrote about my (mis)adventures in the kitchen while cooking for my mom about a week ago. Perhaps I lack a certain kind of self-awareness, but it has continued to truly puzzle me why everything seemed just so-so when it had been so delicious the first (and second) time I made these recipes.

Last night, I hosted my dear friend and culinary mentor, Alison, for dinner. I very purposely kept the menu very simple and only made dishes I’d made multiple times. Should have been a piece of cake. AGAIN, everything was good but not great. I found it less upsetting overall because, well, she’s not my mom, and I guess I care (slightly) less about impressing her.

So, the menu: I served two phenomenal cheeses with sliced baguette. Frankly, I think we both would have been satisfied with just wine and these cheeses: Pierre Robert, an incredibly rich, flavorful triple-crème cow’s milk cheese from France and Truffle Tremor, a ripened goat’s milk cheese laced with bits of truffle and made by Cypress Grove in California. I chose well! Next, we had my favorite and easy roasted salmon with lemon relish from Great Food Fast. I’ve made this at least three other times for guests. Lastly, I whipped up some dark chocolate fondue and served it with pound cake cubes (from Whole Foods), pretzels, organic strawberries, bananas and graham crackers.

So, how could things possibly go awry? My salmon was overcooked and dry, I inexplicably didn’t have enough relish to go around and, hours later, found the toasted pine nuts for the salmon still sitting in the toaster oven. 

Now, I certainly wasn’t agonizing about these things. But I did go to bed wondering, “why?”—and, suddenly, an epiphany.

I cook to be quiet, to feel calm, to be alone. In the Myers-Briggs personality test, I am almost entirely “E,” as in extroverted. I love to chit chat, hate to be alone, and am, to be honest, wildly uncomfortable with an idle mind. In fact (and this is a little secret), I am incapable of just being still even for the five minutes it takes Ben to get ready for bed before we go to sleep. I have to read or do puzzles. I’m not sure quite why, but I am really, really uneasy with stillness and quiet. Not a Zen bone in my body. Or so I thought. 

What I realized last night is that, while I love to plan meals, choose special foods that I know will please my guests, set the table with fresh linens and flowers, I really don’t like to entertain. Actually, that’s not it at all. I love to have people over, love to sit and talk for hours over wine. It’s just that what I love about cooking, and, what I probably don’t find in other aspects of my life, is lost when I’m cooking for others.

Of course, every day I’m cooking for two (and soon three) others. But, when we met, Ben ate two things: spaghetti and turkey burgers. And, while she has a phenomenal palate, Sophia is still a four-year-old. And Joseph? Well, he still thinks that his fingers are the tastiest treat. While they are, technically, an audience, I feel no pressure cooking for my family. I figure they’ll be happy with whatever I make.

A lot of why I like to cook, and why I put so much time and energy into it, is that when I’m alone in the kitchen, my mind is still while my body is at work. I like to just follow the directions and groove on the process (I’m very process-oriented). I’m sure that, while I was making dinner for Alison last night, we were gabbing a mile a minute and I forgot to pay attention to timing, quantities, garnishes. 

Of course, I’m not going to stop entertaining the people I love, and I’m surely going to continue to feel distracted when I have a favorite guest sitting at the counter while I cook. I suppose, then, that I will have to make peace with the fact that, ironically, my best cooking will be my that which I do just for myself.

Most Amazing Macaroni & Cheese

I am not a mac and cheese kind of gal... kind of boring and usually too greasy. This new recipe caught my eye in my new Bon Appétit mostly a) because it looked like it would make dinner plus lunch leftovers (true), b) because it constitutes a one-dish dinner, which theoretically should make dinner easier (not necessarily true) and c) because it had veggies in the center, and veggies are always a hit in my house (definitely true). It is OMG so delicious and completely changed my thoughts about mac and cheese forever.

I made this for Earth Day and liked that it was vegetarian and green in the middle, and I made it with as many organic ingredients as I had on hand.

I also (of course) changed several things in the recipe, mostly out of frugality. First, the original calls for a blend of two cheeses: aged gouda and edam. Now, while I am a huge fan of these two wonderful Dutch cheeses, having been introduced to them as a kid by my dad, another cheese lover, I am not a fan of $12 macaroni and cheese. I also had a big loaf of Tillamook medium cheddar on hand. So, I instead used a blend of mostly cheddar with a bit of organic Parmigiano-Reggiano added in, and it was scrumptious.

Other changes: I used the full one-pound box of noodles instead of the 12 oz. the author called for (perfectly fine change), and I probably used closer to two pounds of chard instead of 1½. Chard bunches were only 99 cents, were fresh and beautiful and I knew my crowd would appreciate extra green. It certainly didn’t seem like too much, and I’d maintain all of these changes next time. I’ll probably continue to play with the cheese combination... the possibilities are endless and surely all tasty. How can you go wrong with cheese?

The only flaw, if you can call it that, is that it felt like this recipe dirtied every pot and utensil in the kitchen—Cuisinart to shred cheeses, bowls for mixing, Pyrex cups for measuring, several pans for cooking, strainers, spoons, whisks. What a mess!

As I put the dish in the oven to bake, I wasn’t sure it was worth all the trouble. One bite... DEFINITELY worth all the trouble! A huge hit all around!

Creamy Pasta with Cremini, Asparagus & Walnuts

Giada is the master of the no-sauce pasta, and this recipe is no exception. Not remarkable, but simple and full of veggies, this is a great weeknight dinner. I also like that it’s easy to switch out the green veggie based on what’s affordable and in season. Theoretically asparagus is in season right now, but it was $3 a pound and very thick yesterday, so I opted instead for frozen petite peas, which are sweet, bright green and absolutely delicious! If you have not discovered these yet, rush right out and buy a bag. They’re fabulous in pasta or risotto, very affordable, and one of those veggies that doesn’t need to be organic.

I also used whole wheat rotini instead of farfalle, because I think whole wheat pasta makes better leftovers... it just holds up nicely. The biggest problem with this recipe is that it lacks depth of flavor and it doesn’t reheat well. I don’t really like black pepper at all, except as a flavoring in soups, but even I sprinkled this with a little pepper to add some punch. And the mascarpone that you toss in to make the “sauce” gets lost in reheating. 

I’ve made this before and I’ll continue to make it, even thought it’s a three-star recipe. It only takes about 20 minutes to prep and cook, I love the combination of walnuts, green veggie and sautéed mushrooms and it makes a lot of food, providing an extra lunch or dinner for later in the week.

Blueberry Muffins

As you may have gathered from previous posts, I try to provide snack for Sophia’s preschool class once a month. In the Montessori world, snack is actually a “work”—students serve themselves that day’s snack on glass plates, pour themselves juice or water into little glasses, join their friends at a table to eat, then clean up their dishes. It’s adorable.

For whatever reason, and probably because of where we live and my own attitudes about food, I feel self-imposed pressure for snack to be creative, delicious and healthy. It’s a huge Earth Mama no-no to bring sweets... no cupcakes, chocolate, etc. In fact, when students have their birthday celebrations at school, those snacks are supposed to be healthy, too (read: not too sugary). 

Sophia is enamored with mini-muffins, so I finally broke down and bought two mini-muffin pans. The beauty of the mini-muffin, I’ve discovered, is that a single recipe for 12 regular muffins makes 48 minis, perfect for little hands. 

We girls have been experimenting with muffin recipes all year, and, for those of you who bake (I am a super-novice), you’ll relate to our dilemma. Every recipe to date is either too buttery and greasy, but moist, or not buttery enough and dry. Since we had such amazing luck with the Irish-American soda bread recipe from the King Arthur Flour recipe site, I thought I’d give their blueberry muffins a try.

The result: delicious but not too sweet muffins that are moist but not too buttery. Pretty perfect! The main reason they get a four-star rating is because mini-muffins are always a bit dry compared to regular-sized muffins, and because I forgot (as I always do) to sprinkle the tops with cinnamon sugar. Next time we’ll try a bit of turbinado and cinnamon on top, and I bet they’ll be perfect.

Kiddos are having this snack for Earth Day, and I look forward to a report on their reception. Honestly, though, what kid doesn’t like blueberry muffins? Sophia’s also sharing organic carrot sticks, because you have to have something “healthy” with every snack. Seriously, I’m not sure how I did it, but even if she’s having a cookie or a bit of dark chocolate for bedtime snack, she’ll insist on something healthy to accompany it. Not that I mind, but is anyone else’s kid like this? Love it!

Misadventures, or, Cooking for Mom

Why, when you have an eager guest at the table, do things not turn out as you’d hoped? My mom just left today after a weekend visit, and I was so excited for the opportunity to make some of my new favorites for her. Yet, somehow, nothing I made was as I’d hoped, and I ended the weekend elated by my Mom time, but bummed about my culinary (mis)adventures.

First, let me say that my mom is an eager, supportive audience. At no level did I fear criticism or even pickiness. In fact, Mom lived with us last year for six months while she recuperated from a nasty compound ankle fracture. Not once during those six months did I feel paralyzed by her presence at my table. In fact, I found the challenge of cooking for someone on the path to recovery energizing, and successfully experimented much more than I normally would. I think it’s safe to say that my Mom was always appreciative, and left feeling well-nourished and healed.

So, what went wrong? Technically, nothing. However, everything I prepared was the weakest version I’d ever made, and these were all my new favorites: cheese-gilded linguine with smoky tomatoes, homemade pizza, even rustic jam shortbread tart. I need to state, emphatically, that at no point did my mom express anything but pleasure—lots of yums and “love it!” However, I felt that everything fell flat... the pasta was just a bit too salty, the pizza was too saucy and, subsequently, not crispy enough in the center, the tart crust didn’t quite hold together, and I found myself wishing I’d used a different flavor of jam. 

Jam flavors? Why was I worrying about jam flavors? Aside from our six months of cohabitation, which went swimmingly and forever cemented the real love between my husband, Ben, and my Mom, as well as my daughter’s unswerving devotion to her Grandma, I generally see my mom four times a year. Three months is about as long as I can go between visits. Why worry about the food when there was all that good gabbing to do?

I’ve thought about it a lot over the weekend, and what I’ve come to is that this project of recording my experiences in the kitchen has changed my sense of self, at least in part. I see myself differently because of this self-selected focus on cooking, and I wanted things to be just perfect for Mom, probably because she’s the one who taught me to love time spent in the kitchen, to read cookbooks like novels and to focus on fresh, seasonal food.

I don’t think I’ll ever completely understand why things consistently went awry. However, I do know that my culinary confidence is just a tiny bit shaken. This means, I believe, that it’s time to crack open new books, discover new chefs and rebuild my kitchen ego one new adventure at a time.  

Oh, and I’m having my friend Alison for dinner Sunday night. This gives me five days to plan a terrific dinner and another chance to entertain a dear guest. And eat chocolate. And drink wine. And plan the next great meal together.

Black Bean Enchiladas à la The New York Times

Again, big debate on star rating. Ben, Eryc, Sophia and I landed on four stars, but it’s soon to be a five with a few modifications. I got this recipe from the “Recipes for Health” series on The New York Times. It caught my eye because you make your own black beans, which I’ve always wanted to learn to do, then make the enchiladas the next day. While there are several steps to putting this dish together, requiring at least 24 hours of advance planning, no step is very time-consuming and the end result was delicious. In fact, the only reason this wasn’t a five-star recipe right away is because we would all tweak it slightly.

After soaking the beans overnight, I cooked them with onion, garlic, cilantro and salt for a few hours to make a flavorful, thick bean sauce. I finished the simmered black beans in the morning, then put together the enchiladas around 3:30 for 5:00 dinner after dying Easter eggs.

To make the enchiladas, I puréed the beans a bit, them simmered them with some whole cumin seeds and chili powder (used my immersion blender, so puréeing was a breeze). While the beans thickened, I was supposed to soften my corn tortillas in a delicious homemade enchilada sauce of tomato sauce, olive oil, more cumin and more chili powder. Well, my corn tortillas were extremely fresh, probably 30 minutes old and still warm from the neighborhood tortilleria. The first one I put in the simmering sauce disintegrated in about 10 seconds. So, I simply dipped the tortillas in warm sauce on a plate to coat lightly, filled them with black beans and white cheddar and rolled them up.

To finish, I topped them with extra black bean sauce, extra cheese and, strangely, chopped walnuts. These seemed odd, but they were actually delicious and added nice crunch. After baking, I added a bit of chopped cilantro for color and served with slices of fresh avocado, Aunt Jennifer’s homemade salsa (which we’d made the night before... so garlicky good) and Pacificos (thank you, Eryc!).

The enchiladas were delicious, to be sure, but could have been a bit more dynamic. After dinner, as we ate the pieces of the first saucy, disintegrated tortilla, we decided that next time we’d quadruple the sauce recipe and, instead of topping the rolled enchiladas with more beans, we’d pour the extra sauce over the top and then sprinkle with cheese and walnuts. I’m eager to try these changes, because I think the result will be scrumptious. Look for another enchilada post soon.

Roasted Salmon with Lemon Relish

In a wonderful twist of irony, I’ve been too busy cooking to blog about my cooking! Love it! So, sorry to my few faithful readers who wonder what’s been going on in our kitchen. Now on to the salmon... this is the most delicious, speedy dinner I believe I’ve ever made. Martha estimates 25 minutes to put this dish together, but I would say it only takes about 15. I serve it with couscous, which takes eight minutes tops, making it the perfect healthy and quick dinner. I started this as groceries were being put away after a late-afternoon grocery run and had it on the table within 20 minutes.

While salmon filets are roasting (10 minutes), you zest a lemon and combine it with raisins to soak in boiling water for a few minutes. Drain the zest and raisins and add olive oil, chopped fresh parsley and toasted pine nuts. To serve, simply lay each roasted salmon filet on a bed of organic baby spinach (washed, bagged and ready to use) and top with the relish with couscous on the side. It’s so incredibly flavorful, bright and tart, a perfect accompaniment to the salmon, and the couscous soaks up the extra lemon-y sauce. Delicious, fast and healthy... what more could you ask for? I can’t recommend this enough.

Oh, and this recipe is great for entertaining, because it looks beautiful, comes together in a snap and leaves caloric room for an indulgent dessert. We had angel food cake with organic strawberries and whipped cream! Perfect!